Why Are You Single?

By Dana Parish

I was in my early 30s, loved to rock a little black dress, kept my auburn tresses long, successful in my career, involved at church, close to my family, enjoyed cooking, maintained long-standing friendships, and (if you’ll indulge me) witty yet kind.  People regularly asked me, “Why are you single!? You’re a catch!”.

So why was I single? And not just single, SINGLE.  Never been married, and if I’m being honest, I hadn’t even been close.

My single girlfriends were as flabbergasted as I was. We moaned to each other that we’d been too focused on our careers, that dating apps made men passive, that porn ruined men, and that the market left no more good ones. 

The overall quality of men between the ages of 18-35 is sinking. Some reasons are out of men’s control, including diversity quotas cornering them in the workforce, the feminization of the Church, growing degeneracy in American culture, and a lagging economy. But surely there are still quality options out there… right?

The New York Post recently featured a “Dating Calculator” created by Keeper, a matchmaking service, that shows you “what percent of men/women in the United States meet your standards.”

According to the calculator, if you want to date an unmarried man between the ages 25-35 who doesn’t smoke, is not obese, is at least six feet tall, has a minimum yearly income of $80,000, has a bachelor’s degree, is a Christian and wants kids, your selection pool is about 0.114% of the American population. That represents about 188,000 men.

On the other hand, if you want to date a single Christian woman between the ages 25-35 with a bachelor’s degree earning $80,000, who is not obese, does not smoke and wants kids, .34% of women in the United States meet that standard, or 572,255 women.

Discouraging, I know.

So what’s the answer? How can a successful, beautiful, polished young woman find love when she’s outnumbering her male counterparts 3-1? I was determined to find out.

For years, I’d heard from male friends and acquaintances that women’s standards are too superficial. Men complained that women worked off the 6-6-6 rule. They meant that a woman expected a man to be six feet tall, earn six figure income, and have a six pack of abs. 

I always thought, “That’s crazy! The single women I know are open to men who have the confidence to approach us.” 

But in practice, was that true, even of me?

I may not have been operating off the 6-6-6 rule, but what exactly were my standards for men? And what was I basing them on?

In his acclaimed book The Meaning of Marriage, late Presbyterian pastor and author Tim Keller observes in dating that “most candidates are immediately eliminated from consideration on the basis of looks, polish, and financial or social status.”

Who was I, even subconsciously, dismissing just by looking at their outward appearance or dating profile specs?

I’m 5’5”. Did he really need to be 6 feet tall? I have a somewhat influential and fast-paced career in politics. Did he need to share my passion and intellectual curiosity in this area? I have a bachelor’s degree, worked on Capitol Hill in D.C., and moved from major city to city working on high-profile political campaigns. Did he need to have done the same? Was it necessary that he earn more money than me?

Around this time, a friend mentioned a very thought-provoking book by Atlantic writer Lori Gottlieb, Marry Him! The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough. 

I was intrigued. 

After ordering it off Amazon, I breezed through the first few chapters. I became convinced that my approach to evaluating a potential significant other had to be turned on its head.

Short? Not a star athlete? Receding hairline? Bald? Five to seven years older? I was open to it! Didn’t go to the right schools? Didn’t hold an advanced degree at all? Younger than me? Let me hear his story. Not a news junkie? Lacking in the style department? That’s okay.  These are not deal breakers.

I did, however, have deal breakers. A strong faith was non-negotiable. Conservative values were as well. I’m not willing to pass along a progressive worldview to my children. I needed someone family-oriented, who wanted a family for himself, and who genuinely would enjoy spending time with my family. 

I still did not want to throw out the importance of attraction — physical, emotional, and intellectual. Was this new approach really going to work? 

I discovered quickly that if an attractive lady is open to a seemingly less physically attractive/sophisticated man, he may react in one of two ways. One, write you off as out of his league and not take you seriously. Fine. If he lacks the confidence, it’s not going to work anyway. Or two, put you on a pedestal, worship you and become a sycophant. For some women, that’s an immediate turnoff.  For others, while it may be flattering in the short term, honest and authentic communication never develops and it does not end well.

I was looking for a third option — a man who is confident in who he is and the choices he’s made and sees your interest as an opportunity and answer to prayer.  He’s not exactly like you because we’re not meant to marry ourselves.  His qualities complement your gaps and shortcomings and vice versa. It may not be the ‘list’ you made in your diary but it’s wonderful and it works!

I realize no woman’s story is going to be the same as another’s.  But I’m happy to report that after letting go of my preconceived ideas about the type of man I needed and deserved, I found something even better — a man with ideas, interests and goals of his own, a devoted companion who wants to lead his own family, and a friend who encourages me in the Lord.

He doesn’t have a degree from Stanford, but he has an in-demand career in law enforcement and private security. He hasn’t travelled to exotic places like Budapest or Morocco but he loves to hunt and fish with my dad. He’s losing some hair and doesn’t have the body of a Greek god, but we enjoy an active lifestyle playing tennis and taking our dogs on hikes. He’s not six feet tall but he’s taller than me! We weren’t born in the same year but we both love 90s country! He’s a man’s man and isn’t fashion-forward but he accepts my input on wardrobe choices. He avoids the “Big City” lights but he owns his own home in the suburbs.

What I discovered is this — by holding on to the dream of a man who met my idealistic standards, I was denying myself a real man who exceeds all the standards that matter.

Dana Parish is a political fundraising consultant currently working with the State Freedom Caucus Network. She holds a Bachelor’s degree in English Literature and Political Science from Texas Tech University and calls Dallas home.