The Lost Art of Etiquette

By Lauren Uribe

As I spent my Saturday morning browsing the bookshelves at Barnes & Noble, a large, navy-blue book caught my eye. Embossed in large gold foil, the word “Etiquette” adorned its cover. Captivated by the book’s elegance and size, I picked it up and went to find the shelf where it belonged.

I was surprised to discover that the entire etiquette section only occupied one of six shelves in a singular bookcase. Among the 6-10 other books on etiquette, none exceeded 150 pages, while the book in my hand spanned over 700 pages.

Having attended cotillion classes during childhood, I am well-versed in manners and etiquette, but not nearly enough to fill a book with over 700 pages. The extensive book intrigued me. After skimming pages filled with thousands of do’s and don’ts, I knew I had to take home Emily Post’s Etiquette: Manners for Today.

Post was a mother, author, novelist, and socialite who lived from 1872 to 1960. As the daughter of the renowned architect Bruce Price, Post was educated by governesses and attended private schools during her youth. Throughout her life, she supported many causes and believed the government should not interfere with what she believed to be citizens’ rights.

Although most of her early works were fiction, she found true success after publishing her book, Etiquette: In Society, in Politics, in Business and at Home, in 1922. While Post originally intended for the book to be short, the final product ended up being over 600 pages long. Since its initial publication, there have been 19 editions of the book, and it has grown to be over 700 pages long. After Post’s passing in 1960, the Emily Post Institute continued to honor her legacy and publish modernized editions of her original works.

In the first and every subsequent edition, Post begins by defining etiquette as “a code of behavior based on consideration and thoughtfulness.” Her approach is a stark contrast to how the Cambridge Dictionary defines etiquette as “the set of rules or customs that control accepted behavior in particular social groups or social situations.” Post’s approach to etiquette has always emphasized uplifting and empowering people to have the proper tools for success in society rather than shaming others for their lack of knowledge.

The 19th edition of Etiquette: Manners for Today covers a wide range of topics, all grounded in the same three principles: consideration, respect, and honesty. Topics you can expect to see in the book include a respectful greeting, proper handshakes, table manners, intentional dating practices, religious services, social networking, writing thank you notes/invitations, and tactful responses to inappropriate questions.

The skills outlined in this book are crucial for thriving in our modern society. The consequences of lacking such skills in younger generations are undeniably evident. Every week, we read new stories about animalistic behavior from children and teenagers, adults exhibiting violent and vulgar reactions over minor disagreements, rampant rage-baiting content from media outlets or aspiring influencers, and extreme threats from “activists” towards those who refuse to indulge their radical cause of the week. 

When approached by a stranger, I often expect a hostile confrontation rather than a pleasant conversation. When a stranger responds to me on social media, I anticipate aggressive rather than kind comments. Such interactions have made me wonder what has caused such a drastic societal transformation in the last decade. While it is easy, and accurate, to blame social media and other modern factors, the root problem is the erasure of etiquette.

Imagine a world where everyone, on the internet and in public, is kind, considerate, respectful, honest, and polite. It seems so easy to achieve yet so inconceivable today. In a world filled with click-bait news and social media dopamine spikes, more people of all ages feel like they can disregard etiquette online and in public spaces.

In addition, teaching manners to children and teenagers has been largely neglected and discontinued in schools and parenting. It’s no wonder that society is regressing towards a more uncivilized state. 

As I continue to read and highlight every page of Emily Post, I find myself more concerned over the lack of common decency I have encountered in recent years.

Post writes, “Etiquette is the foundation upon which social structure is built. Every human contact is made smooth by etiquette, or awkward by lack of it.”

There is an absence of manners today. Although I have not finished annotating all 700 pages, I am convinced this book is the essential American “how-to” manual for adulthood. It should be integrated into every school’s curriculum.

What can we do moving forward now that we’re aware of this problem? Regardless of your level of knowledge about etiquette, I suggest starting with reading Emily Post’s Etiquette: Manners for Today. After that, we should apply her wisdom every day, including at home with our families and in our day-to-day errands.

Men and women should implement these practices in dating and relationships. Men can embrace masculine etiquette by holding doors open, walking on the curbside of a woman, offering his arm to a woman, pulling out her chair, dressing appropriately, paying on a date, and providing for his spouse and children.

Women can embrace feminine etiquette by keeping her appearance put together and clean, carrying herself with poise, avoiding gossip, and encouraging her date or spouse to embrace his masculinity while she embraces her femininity.

If you have children, then lead by example. Explain what you are doing, why you are doing it, and how it makes a positive difference. You could also introduce manners to your children independently in public spaces or through hypothetical scenarios. You should also be aware of the behaviors your children may mimic from TV shows and movies. Poor role models are detrimental to youth learning common courtesy.

If your local school district does not have a curriculum for teaching manners, you could schedule a meeting with the school board to discuss the possibility of adding it to the curriculum. Alternatively, you could offer to teach or organize a class for children to learn etiquette after school, on weekends or holiday/summer breaks. Implementing good etiquette on a wide societal scale may be nearly impossible, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try. In the current age of social media and internet influencers, those with a large platform and traditional values need to share this knowledge and demonstrate these skills publicly with their followers. All it takes is one person to inspire others and sustain the change.

Lauren Uribe is a wife and stay at home mom residing in New England. She enjoys spending time with her family, reading, writing, baking, watching movies and laughing.