The Getting over Him Guide
By Brittany
Going through a breakup can be one of the most excruciating experiences of a young woman’s life. Having gone through it myself, I’ve identified the mental and spiritual milestones TC girls need to reach before moving on. Here’s a foolproof guide to getting over the guy who broke your heart:
Vent & Cry
I hate crying. It makes me feel weak, but I have learned that getting a good cry out is the first step in alleviating heartbreak. The negative feelings, including grief, anger, and pain, need to be released. Processing the emotions, good and bad, is an essential step in the recovery and healing process. Love is a drug, and like it goes for any recovering addict, withdrawal hurts. But the feelings must be felt to move forward.
Vent to people you trust, like your mom and friends. These people will help you look at the situation objectively and rationally. They will be frank about the reality of the relationship from their vantage point. They’ll often bring to light vital questions about that person’s flaws and fit for you. Once you let it out with your support system, you’ll actually find that your mind is in a much more stable place to assess the past relationship.
Make a List
Everything is la vie en rose when you’re wearing rose-colored glasses. It’s the eloquent phrase my mom often used to refer to the biased, glowing view you hold of someone when you’re dating them. Chances are, however, there was a lot you disliked or were unsatisfied with in your relationship. What did he not do that you wish he did? What did he refuse to fix no matter how many times you brought it up? Red flags and gut feelings are guardian angels, but sometimes we ignore them when we’re head-over-heels. Now it’s time to reflect on the things you overlooked and how the relationship fell short in significant ways. It may sound like a no-brainer, but this introspection was a lifesaver in getting over my ex-boyfriend because it helped put everything into perspective.
In the aftermath of a breakup, we tend to dwell on if not obsess over the other person and what went wrong. But when we articulate OUR needs, our non-negotiables, and our standards, and jot it all down, suddenly there is less of a loss to lament. Write a gentle apology to your past self for ignoring the signs and a renewed promise to your future self to protect and best serve your heart going forward. It’s a pact you make with yourself to only accept what you deserve. It helped me realize what I wanted in my future relationships and what I would not tolerate.
Stand Up for Yourself
Many girls, including me, are not confident enough to stand up to mistreatment and demand better. Take a step back and determine how you want to be treated. If he isn’t cutting it, don’t be afraid to make a statement asking for change. If he breaks up with you when you declare your needs and expectations, he was never going to be dedicated in the first place, and he sure as hell is NOT the one. Nobody wants a relationship that’s so fragile that it falls apart over a legitimate concern or mildly inconveniencing conversation.
“The One”
I know it is hard to accept, but the first person or even the first three people you date might not be your future husband. And that’s ok! We romanticize the idea of a high school or college sweetheart, but sometimes it just doesn’t work out. Dating people to understand what you want in a partner and to gain the confidence to be comfortable with yourself is a necessary step in your journey to becoming a mature woman.
That’s not to say that first loves always fail, but not everyone can be as lucky as the high school sweethearts who lasted a decade and married after college! Whenever I feel embarrassed that I got broken up with (even though it was for the best), I always think of Taylor Swift’s famous quote, “when I look at that person (future Mr. Right), I’m not even going to remember the boy who broke up with me over the phone in 27 seconds when I was 18.”
Start Making Decisions for Yourself
When you’re fresh out of a breakup, it’s the perfect opportunity for a fresh start. You can reinvent yourself and discover the life you want. Maybe you lost connection with old friends amidst the distraction of the relationship or spent less time studying because you were preoccupied with the drama. Now is the time to get back in your groove. Go for a run, eat healthily, and take care of yourself.
When my boyfriend and I split, I viewed it as a new chapter for me. I transferred to my dream school, and I have never been happier. Sudden drastic change may not be wise, so wait until the emotional rollercoaster slows down before making major moves. But once the grief subsides, you should start experiencing new things and making new friends. This is the time to find yourself as a young adult and enjoy life.
The biggest thing to remember about a breakup is that time heals everything. Every girl has been in your shoes, from your mom to your grandma. It is time to start looking at breakups as the next step to finding Mr. Right. It will not feel like it now, but it was for the best.
If you follow these tips, I guarantee you will start feeling better than before the relationship! Hold him to the same standards you hold for yourself. My final parting words of advice: make sure he is conservative and shares your worldview. You may not be in harmony on every political or cultural issue, but a love for America and the Constitution, family, and responsibility are good values to screen for.
Photo via I Love Wildfox
