Lessons from The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right
By Patricia Patnode
The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right was written by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider and published in 1995. The pocket-sized book has waned in popularity since that era, but it is still often passed onto young women in need of romantic guidance. That's exactly how I came across my copy. It was a loan from a roommate, who received it from her aunt when she turned 24.
Considering that I am not married and nearing 26 with “no money and no prospects,” to quote Charlotte from Pride and Prejudice, I thought I should review The Rules, both for my own edification and for young women in a similar boat. Hopefully, we can all row upriver towards love.
Lesson 1: Let him pursue you
“Men are born to respond to challenge,” page seven reads. “Take away their challenge and their interest wanes.”
The chapter also urges women to wait to be noticed, rather than seek out suitors.
Podcast Call Her Daddy, though a backwards application focused on manipulating men, embraced some of the traditional “rules” of dating. Now a disenchanted former fan, I remember ex co-host Sofia Franklyn saying, “If a man likes you, he will let you know.” I probably listened to that episode a dozen times during college, trying to get the message to sink into my brain.
Her statement should be amended, only slightly, to say, “If a man likes you enough he will let you know.” Experiencing sparks of romantic connection is quite common in your 20s. During this time, every event or trip to a bar holds the faint possibility of meeting “the one.” I've often failed to temper my excitement and expectations in nearly every relationship I've been in, and I believe this is why most of them fizzled out.
Setting a standard of not giving your time to a man who isn’t putting in enough effort isn’t coldhearted or passive. Often, it takes more effort to hold back when you really like someone.
Of course he’s perfectly content to let you do the heavy lifting with initiating contact and making plans. But do you want to do that forever?
Exercising restraint and allowing weak connections to naturally fade away is crucial for ensuring long-term commitment. It helps filter for initial interest, preventing you from wasting valuable time and energy.
Provide him with enough social opportunities to ask you out, but choose not to take the lead. Instead, wait for him to pursue you with intention. This ensures that his interest goes beyond saying “yes” to a hook up or hanging out casually a few times without any objective.
Lesson 2: You are not perfect as you are
“Before The Rules can be applied for the best, most unbelievable results— the man of your dreams asking you to marry him — you have to be the best you can be,” the book adds.
Self-improvement isn’t something to be scoffed at. If you want someone great, you need to be great. You are not going to be made happy by someone else. Most of your life is with you, so you need to love yourself.
The Rules advises young women to be busy in an authentic way, be gracious, exercise, make new friends, and prioritize the things that matter. You should be building an interesting and fulfilling life, with or without a boyfriend.
Lesson 3: Look good.
“Remember that you’re dressing for men, not other women,” another page reads.
Consider that every time you put together an outfit, you are communicating something about yourself. Wearing a nice dress to dinner with your friends expresses the specialness of the evening. Each outfit conveys a value judgment of the function.
This doesn’t mean you should stress out when grocery shopping in leggings after the gym. However, it does mean understanding that meeting someone could happen anytime, anywhere.
On page 19, the authors recommend that readers “put lipstick on even when you go jogging.” This seems a little silly, but the principle of that advice is that you should be open to meeting someone while doing things that you enjoy. Lipstick is probably unnecessary, as its not 1995 anymore and the cosmetic industry has evolved. Consider a luminous sunscreen or tinted moisturizer, an SPF lip balm or oil, and a functional but intentionally chosen outfit.
Lesson 4: Don’t neglect your career
This advice is pretty straightforward. “The biggest mistake a woman can make when she meets a man she wants to marry is to make him the center of her life,” page 19 says. “She may jeopardize her job by daydreaming.”
Lesson 5: Be modest with the information you share
I recall Anne Elliot’s mistake in Jane Austen’s Persuasion. The man whom Anne loved proposed to her, so she asked the opinion of a close, trusted friend, who advised against the match. Instead of trusting in her own judgement, Anne deferred to an outsider’s opinion, sentencing herself to many years of loneliness and heartache. Although Persuasion is a work of fiction, the experience of trusting a friend or parent’s advice over your own feelings is a common trap that we can fall into, especially in our 20s. In this age of group-chats and screenshots, it's easy to get caught up in feedback from others.
Be mindful of how the opinions of others can move the needle of your personal moral compass or make you feel more desperate to find a boyfriend than you actually are.
The Rules specifically say not to:
“Talk to your girlfriends all day long about the date..”
“Don’t see your mother, grandmother, or anyone who absolutely can’t wait for you to get married...”
The Rules aren’t for every woman
The Rules says that adhering to their specific set of guidelines will attract the ideal partner, suggesting that dating and eventually falling in love are skills that can be mastered. You might not vibe with The Rules and think they are too complex or limiting. Perhaps that is true for your personality, but the key lessons of trusting your own conscience and valuing your time are important lessons, independent of your interest in marriage.
If you've had a string of unsuccessful relationships, why not consider giving these principles a shot for the next six months?
Patricia Patnode is a columnist at The Conservateur and a Junior Fellow at the Independent Women's Forum. She can be found on Twitter @IdealPatricia.
