Don't Flirt to Convert with Politics

By Patricia Patnode

Love Story (1970)

There is serious political division between young men and young women today. Many women are liberal, many men are conservative, and liberal women outnumber conservative men. This doesn’t bode well for the replacement rate if people are unwilling to date, marry, and reproduce with people who have different political values.

In the context of this rift, author Peachy Keenan gives advice in a recent article that I would describe as “Flirt to convert.” In the article, titled “Conservative men, you can save women from toxic feminism. It happened to me,” she explains how a masculine man with an unwavering moral compass came into her life and disrupted her progressive preconceptions. Now, she's a staunch right-winger.

I’ve seen at least three friends of mine become conservative by dating and marrying strong men who have very set views of the world. 

“Flirt to convert” is a cheeky phrase sometimes said to couples of different religions, usually different Christian denominations. The idea is that a Catholic and Protestant could make it work if one submits to the other's faith through manly or feminine persuasion. Embedded in the phrase is the acknowledgment that people can be different but can want to strive towards a romantic goal. It communicates that there needs to be unity in order to build a life together, ideally in marriage. 

Not everyone settles on a one-religion household, but ultimately parents need to make a decision as to what religion their children will be raised under. More often than not, the wife is responsible for religious cultivation at home. Pew reported in 2015 that 46 percent of people surveyed raised by parents affiliated with two different religions say their mother was primarily responsible for their religious upbringing, while just 7 percent say their father took primary responsibility.

Religion and politics are two very different buckets of goods, but it’s important in relationships to be on the same page about the values that govern your life and which you'd like to instill in your future children.

When does politics matter?

It’s very possible for you and your partner to not have an identical voting history, or political opinions, but have compatible values, which are more important to raising a family and for lifestyle cohesion. On the other hand, you could meet someone at a church event who is very compatible but happens to have a slightly different outlook on politics. This could be perfectly fine, as long as you agree on key moral principles. 

A person must have a strong enough internal constitution and understanding of their own principles in order to inspire change in a partner. I do think this happens, occasionally, but more often the person who cares more about politics, or who has a more dominating personality, will define the political opinions of the other. Either that, or the person who cares less about politics will probably submit to the one who cares more.

Convincing someone to switch their strongly-held political affiliation could take years of slow persuasion or lots of taxing arguments. Ultimately, they may just give in because they don’t want conflict, or they could harbor resentment for years that manifests in encouraging children to discount the other spouse's views and values.

Keenan gives the sound advice to be yourself and let love interests either adapt or filter themselves out. “Let your Ken flag fly, fellas,” she writes. “If she is appalled, then she is not your gal. Don’t ever 'feminize' yourself to appeal to a woman.” 

“Convert to flirt,” rather than “flirt to convert,” is a more helpful principle to assure that your partner is properly self-motivated to agree with you. Consider a future with them if they possess the qualities that make for a cohesive life together and give the best foundation for rearing a family.

Be wary of weak men

It is possible to “save women from feminist,” like Keenan says, insofar that feminism means a broad set of loosely articulated cultural priors. However, if the woman's feminism is a deeply-held ideology, then a man may lose himself trying to change a woman set in her ways or a woman may end up with a weak man. 

If a guy is happy to go along with the type of restaurants you like, agree with the paint color you chose for the house, and start drinking oat milk instead of dairy, then celebrate that he loves you enough to accommodate your preferences. If he so readily adopts your political views or religion without asking many questions, consider why that is. 

It’s fine to disagree with your partner on some things. Sharing beliefs does not necessarily make someone a good person-- it’s much more complicated than that. There are plenty of charitable and kind agnostics with no particularly articulated set of moral values and plenty of mean and unforgiving religious rule-followers.

We shouldn’t enter romantic relationships hoping to fundamentally transform someone’s outlook on life. Cultivating and refining your own view of the world, and learning how to live that out in a way that is convincing to the people around you is a more effective way to inspire a conversation of principles or a refining of viewpoint..

Patricia Patnode is a columnist at The Conservateur and a Junior Fellow at the Independent Women's Forum. She can be found on Twitter @IdealPatricia.