Surviving Politics with Your S.O.

By Caitlin R.

Much like this 2020 election year, the election of 2016 was filled with drama. Bernie Sanders became a beacon of world peace because a bird landed on his podium, Lin Manuel Miranda bashed candidate Donald Trump with Hamilton lyrics, and red baseball hats were starting to symbolize something political. These bizarre events coincided with the time I met my boyfriend. He was an independent-thinking conservative who believed the government should not meddle in American life so long as we work hard, act responsibly, and uphold the social contract. And I was a raging liberal. As relations between the political Right and Left deteriorated, my boyfriend and I intentionally scheduled time for polite and constructive political conversation so as to prevent brewing animosity. Over the last few years, we spent hours talking about the differences in our social values, political parties, and religious beliefs. But we also found some commonality in our convictions. Our relationship experienced an intellectual vulnerability that forced me to confront and challenge the deep-seated beliefs I considered central to my identity. Diving into the reasoning behind political views can be difficult, particularly when it's with the people we love. However, it is possible. This is how we did it. 

Hold Hands

It’s all about body language and nonverbal communication. Some of the best political discussions I’ve had have happened on road trips. We always chat politics when our guards are down and we’re just enjoying each other's company. Holding hands in the car when these tougher conversations come up is a subtle call for humility. Even when we respectfully disagree, physical touch reminds us of our connection and togetherness as a united team in the relationship. But even when that doesn't happen naturally, eye contact always conveys respect for the other person. 

Listen

While it may seem obvious, actively listening to and indicating interest in your partner’s words is crucial. I’ve learned that it’s best not to formulate your next rebuttal while your partner is still sharing their viewpoint. Thoughtful listening requires you to carefully ponder your partner’s statements before responding. Give your partner the same airtime and consideration you believe you deserve when you make your political case. Blurting your response out just shows that you haven’t mulled over what was said. A thoughtful pause will only add to the conversation.

Share Sources

It's okay to let others speak for you. If you do some research and agree with Ben Shapiro or Candace Owen’s point, then show your partner. For credibility's sake, sometimes it's useful to present evidence that other pundits have synthesized into compelling arguments in advance. It can even be fun to send each other videos and articles you enjoy and then talk about them later. Some political influencers and thinkers eloquently articulate your opinion in a way that’s difficult for you to say personally and that's okay. We can’t all birth groundbreaking ideas. 

Demonstrate Faithful Representation

In an unedited debate, people tend to have a difficult time explaining their points precisely. We tend to gesture at broad ideas and hope that our conversation partner understands. However, picking apart your partner’s sentences in the most literal way possible stifles dialogue and creates frustration for both parties. Give your significant other the benefit of the doubt and say, “I know what you mean.” Respond to what you think your boyfriend or girlfriend meant. People accidentally misspeak or exaggerate. We all rely on the assumption of good faith to bridge together our failure to express and our ultimate goal of communicating. 

Admit When You’re Wrong

While it’s hard to admit that you’re wrong, it is so important for building trust in a relationship. If everyone is being dogmatic and refusing to concede any intellectual ground, no one is winning. Acknowledging when you are wrong moves the conversation forward. But you’re not going to put someone in the position of admitting they're wrong if you don't show them grace for their admission. Try to create an environment where being wrong is acceptable. 

Don’t Wait

Studies show that relationship success is correlated with the time it takes couples to reach reconciliation after a fight. While not every dispute can end in resolution, a motion from both parties to “agree to disagree” is better than nothing. Since your partner is someone you trust, love, and respect, you will be more inclined to consider their perspective. The problem with online debate culture is that there is no incentive for civility, level-headedness, or magnanimity. Never needing to face your opponent in person, you can simply hide behind a screen in the comments section, hurling hostile epithets or vulgar language without facing any repercussions. The internet, while a great technological advancement, has in many ways hindered meaningful civil discourse. Rather than welcome persuasive rationales or new information graciously, social media users most times simply dismiss or forget alternative arguments the moment they turn off their phones. Talking to your significant other about what you believe and why is a worthwhile investment for the health of a relationship. If we can bring respect to other politically charged conversations, maybe there’s hope that America’s deep division could be mended one day.

Photo via Pinterest