Why Chivalry Isn’t Dead

By Dawn Sturmon

Dating these days often feels like swiping into oblivion, punctuated by ghostings and vague “u up?” texts. Old-fashioned courtship rituals — like holding doors or penning handwritten notes — seem like museum-worthy relics. But here’s the twist: More and more college-aged and 20-something singles are embracing these traditions, not as a nod to nostalgia, but as a way to recalibrate respect and thoughtfulness in modern relationships.

The Appeal of Intentional Dating

Let’s get one thing straight: This isn’t about reenacting the 1950s. Chivalry now is less about old-school gender roles and more about intentionality. It’s the difference between “grabbing drinks” and planning a date that says, “I thought about what you’d actually enjoy.”

“I love it when a guy plans the date,” says Lane, 21, a college senior in Arizona. “It shows he’s put in effort and really thought about me.” That’s the thing about effort — it’s magnetic. It’s not about grand gestures anymore; the magic is in thoughtful details like remembering your favorite flower or walking you home when it’s late.

This revival of intentionality comes as a response to a very 2020s problem: dating app fatigue. Swiping isn’t just impersonal; it’s exhausting.

“I’ve stopped using dating apps because they felt transactional,” says Drew, 23, a recent graduate in Chicago. “Meeting someone organically feels more real; less robotic.”

A Shift in Intimacy

Chivalry today isn’t just about small acts of kindness; it’s also tied to evolving attitudes toward intimacy. More young people are stepping away from the casual hookup culture that dominated for so long.

“A lot of my friends — guys and girls — are waiting to be intimate,” says Kate, 19, a college sophomore in Massachusetts. “It’s not about being prudish; it’s about valuing ourselves and taking our time.”

This shift aligns with a respect-driven approach to relationships where trust and connection come first.

And for women, safety — both physical and emotional — is a non-negotiable.

“When a guy shows he can communicate and genuinely cares for my well-being, it’s incredibly attractive,” says Catherine, 24, from Florida.

This renewed focus on trust and mutual respect doesn’t feel like a nostalgia trip. It’s more of a conscious reset — a way of creating relationships that are, dare we say, worth the investment.

Fine-Tuning Perspectives: Getting Back to Our Roots

Where did this shift come from? Maybe it’s the pandemic forcing us into two years of introspection and so much time alone. Or maybe it’s the cultural wake-up call of the 2024 presidential election, which had many reevaluating their personal values. For young men, in particular, it became a rallying cry to embrace traditional masculinity — protective, respectful, thoughtful — without the tired clichés.

“The election made me realize how much I want to surround myself with like-minded, intentional, and kind people,” says Lila, 24, from California.

That sentiment isn’t just about who to vote for but who to love, partner with, and grow alongside.

Social Media’s Role in Romance

Ironically, social media is both the villain and the cheerleader in this story. On one hand, it reinforces instant gratification and the “Netflix and chill” trope. On the other, it celebrates romanticized vintage aesthetics: handwritten love letters, sunset dates, and Parisian couples sipping cappuccinos. TikTok and Instagram aren’t just showcasing these moments; they’re romanticizing thoughtfulness, reminding us that small gestures have always been timeless. 

Bringing Back Balance

This reimagined chivalry isn’t about a guy holding the door because he has to; it’s about creating a dynamic of appreciation and balance.

“Being chivalrous isn’t old-fashioned. It’s about showing you care,” says Charlie, 22, from Texas, who credits his mom and sisters for teaching him the value of respect. “It’s not just about what I do for her; it’s about being partners who look out for each other.”

Brooke, 27, from Nashville, puts it plainly: “When men step up as dependable partners, things just work better. Women shouldn’t have to carry everything — it’s exhausting. When there’s balance, you actually appreciate each other more.”

Of course, skeptics worry about tipping the scales back into outdated gender roles. But advocates of this modern chivalry see it differently.

“It’s not about a guy taking charge,” says Kendall, 25, in NYC. “It’s about both people showing up for each other with mutual respect. That’s it.”

A Cultural Yearning for Connection

This renaissance isn’t just about romance; it reflects a broader cultural mood.

“We’re tired of fast everything,” says Sadie, 19, a college student in Missouri. “Fast food, fast shopping, fast love. We want something real.”

This craving for authenticity — shaped by everything from Netflix rom-coms to binge-worthy dating shows — isn’t just nostalgia. It’s about wanting a love story that feels real and meaningful, something you’d actually root for.

A Modern Reclamation

So where does that leave us? In a space brimming with possibility. As we scroll, swipe, and DM, the tiniest thoughtful gestures — a goodnight call, a shared playlist, dropping off a surprise coffee — have become revolutionary. Chivalry isn’t dead; it’s just been sitting patiently, waiting for us to rediscover its charm.

A freelance writer, Dawn has crisscrossed the country in a unique path — from holding cue cards on Saturday Night Live to working on Super Bowl commercials. A lover of truth, interior design, french fries, and fashion, you can find her dressed in a hoodie or for the Met Gala — there’s no in-between.