The Case for Courtship

By Bethany Miller

In the modern era, romance has become either a leisurely indulgence or a frantic pursuit.

On one end, secular dating, a carousel of ambiguity — endless talking stages, fleeting entanglements, and noncommittal escapades that promise much yet deliver little.

“Let’s just see where this goes,” they murmur, while it goes nowhere at all.

On the other, modern Christian dating, where devotion is measured not by wisdom but by urgency — marriages fast-tracked not from preparedness, but from a need to check a box.

“Better to marry than to burn,” they whisper, as if matrimony itself were an antidote to desire.

One fears commitment. The other idolizes it. Neither cultivates it. The results are not coincidental — they are inevitable.

The U.S. marriage rate has plummeted by 60% since the 1970s, while cohabitation has increased by over 900%. Cohabiting couples are 33% more likely to divorce if they marry compared to those who waited. In church culture, marrying young to avoid temptation hasn’t helped either — studies show that evangelical Christians who marry young have some of the highest divorce rates.

Courtship — not an artifact of the past, but a forgotten necessity for the present, is a fix to modern dating modules.

This time tested approach is neither an archaic formality nor a rigid doctrine — it is a deliberate strategy to relationships, guided by discernment rather than impulse. Courtship does not disregard attraction — it simply refuses to be led by it.

Let’s Talk Men

Secular culture insists that commitment is optional. Christian culture implies that commitment is inevitable — even if one is unprepared. Neither is true.

A godly man does not see where things go—he moves with purpose (Proverbs 29:18).

A godly man is not a leader in theory—he builds something worth leading (James 1:22).

A godly man does not wait for maturity to find him—he cultivates it before he pursues (Luke 14:28-30).

"Prepare your work outside; get everything ready for yourself in the field, and after that build your house." — Proverbs 24:27

A man without direction is not a husband-in-waiting. A husband is not merely a role to assume but a responsibility to prepare for. Too many men want the privilege of leadership before proving the worthiness of leadership. A man who cannot discipline himself cannot disciple a family. A man who cannot work diligently cannot provide faithfully. A man who cannot lead himself cannot be trusted to lead a wife.

Before a man asks a woman to submit to his leadership, he must ask:

Am I spiritually strong enough to lead? (Because a wife is not your pastor—spiritual maturity is your responsibility.)

Am I financially wise enough to provide? (Because love is strong, but debt is suffocating.)

Am I career-focused enough to sustain a household? (Because a husband who refuses to work is not a provider—he is a liability.)

Am I emotionally stable enough to handle conflict? (Because marriage is not for boys who throw tantrums—it is for men who navigate storms.)

Marriage is not a rescue mission. It is not a solution to laziness, directionlessness, or instability. It is a sacred calling — one that requires work before reward. Before Adam was given Eve, he was given work (Genesis 2:15). Before a man asks a woman to trust him, he must prove he is trustworthy. Before a man asks a woman to follow him, he must show he is going somewhere.

Godly men are not passive—they are proactive. They develop their skills instead of waiting for a miracle. They cultivate self-discipline instead of making excuses. They create stability instead of expecting a woman to build their life for them. They pursue wisdom instead of coasting on charm.

A man who is idle in singleness will not magically become driven in marriage. A man who lacks discipline now will not gain it at the altar. Marriage is not for men who are waiting — it is for men who are working. It does not tell men to wait for responsibility — it commands them to prepare for it.

Because a husband is not just a title — it is a divine calling…And only the ready should answer the call.

Ask Questions, Vet Early

The world tells women to be patient and wait. Courtship tells women to ask and know. Because dating is not merely about connection — it is about direction. Before emotions take precedence over wisdom, ask:

What are his values? (Because convictions shape a marriage.)

What is his stance on gender roles? (Because leadership matters.)

How does he handle money? (Because financial stewardship builds — or breaks — a household.)

Who did he vote for, and why? (Because values are not just personal — they shape families, communities, and legacies.)

What are his views on faith, family, and raising children? (Because alignment is everything.)

Too many women get emotionally attached before they ask the hard questions. Then, months or years into the relationship, they realize:

They don’t agree on theology. They don’t share the same political or moral convictions. They have opposite views on gender roles, parenting, and finances. By then, emotions are entangled, making wise decisions harder. Courtship demands vetting before attachment.

The modern world tells couples that these questions are too serious, too soon. But time and again, those who divorce say the same thing:

"We didn’t ask the hard questions."

A relationship without direction is not romance — it is negligence.

Raise Your Standards

Modern dating pressures women to lower their expectations:

“Nobody’s perfect, just settle.”

“You’re being too picky.”

“He’s a good guy, isn’t that enough?”

But godly women do not settle—they build.

“A wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands.” — Proverbs 14:1

Discernment should be every woman’s dating filter — determining not just what is right and wrong, but what is right and almost right. This distinction is critical, because many relationships fail not because they are blatantly bad, but because they come to realize they were never compatible.

The question is not, “Is he nice?”

The question is, “Is he biblically qualified to lead?”

Who a woman chooses to marry will shape her future, her faith, and her family.

Courtship Saves Women from Settling

Many women convince themselves to overlook major issues because they fear being alone. But being single is far better than being miserably married to a weak, passive, or unqualified man. God designed women to be helpers, not saviors. You cannot change, fix, or mold a man into leadership. If he is not biblically fit to lead before marriage, he will not suddenly become fit after marriage.

Courtship rejects the pressure to “just settle” and instead calls women to higher discernment. Because a woman’s job is not to lower her standards — it is to find a man who meets them.

A man’s faith matters—because a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways (James 1:8).

A man’s work ethic matters—because laziness in dating turns into irresponsibility in marriage (Proverbs 10:4).

A man’s character matters—because the way he treats you now is only a preview of how he will treat you later.

A man’s vision matters—because where he leads will be where you follow.

Watch His Patterns, Not Just His Promises

The biggest mistakes women make in dating are:

Falling for potential instead of reality.

“He has so much potential” is not a reason to stay—“He is actively growing” is.

Hope for change is not a foundation for a lifelong commitment. Excusing small red flags. The way a man handles anger, responsibility, and stress in dating will be multiplied in marriage. A man who cannot apologize now will not magically develop humility later. Letting emotions cloud judgment. Attraction isn’t enough. Chemistry isn’t a qualification for husbandhood. Feelings aren’t a sign from God.

A wise woman doesn’t just hope a man will be a good husband — she chooses a man who already is.

A Relationship Should Not Be a Project

Trust me. A fixer upper is not what we want, need, or have time for. If he lacks direction, that is his problem — not your assignment. If he lacks self-discipline, marriage will not fix it — it will expose it. If he lacks vision, he is not ready to lead you. Marriage is not a rehabilitation center for immature men. It is a covenant for men and women who are prepared for its weight.

A woman’s responsibility is not to wait and hope — it is to ask, observe, and walk away from what is not God’s best. Courtship does not remove romance — it restores wisdom. And wisdom is what protects a woman from heartbreak, compromise, and wasted time. Because the right marriage is a blessing. The wrong one is a life sentence.

The Mirage of Compatibility

Attraction is intoxicating. It blinds, it binds, and it convinces you that this person — right here, right now — is perfect. Until reality sets in.

Biology itself conspires against discernment: Oxytocin, the bonding hormone, encourages emotional attachment even in the presence of red flags. Dopamine, the pleasure hormone, persuades couples that chemistry equates to compatibility. Serotonin, the love hormone, casts an artificial glow over relationships, delaying rational judgment. This is why so many relationships, built on passion alone, crumble under the weight of reality.

The research is undeniable: Couples who engage in sexual intimacy early are 20% more likely to separate. Those who wait until marriage report higher levels of marital satisfaction and lower divorce rates. To entrust the foundation of a lifelong partnership to fleeting chemistry is to build on shifting sand.

The Importance of Time

Love is easy when life is easy. But a marriage does not exist in a vacuum — it exists in seasons. A wise person does not commit their life to someone they’ve only seen in the spring. Before making a lifelong decision, courtship invites couples to ask:

How does this person handle stress, disappointment, and failure?

How do they respond when they don’t get their way?

How do they communicate in conflict — do they attack, withdraw, or resolve?

What happens when they experience loss — do they seek wisdom, or do they spiral?

How do they react when responsibilities increase — do they rise to the occasion, or collapse under the weight?

Long-term dating reveals the unseen — because character is not tested in comfort, but in challenge.

Many marriages end not because of one catastrophic event, but because time revealed what dating never exposed.A person who is quick to anger will not change because of a wedding. A person who avoids responsibility will not suddenly become reliable with a ring. A person who runs from hard conversations will not learn to communicate through a vow.

Long Enough to See Clearly, Not So Long That It Wanders

Too many couples rush into marriage after just a few months, convinced that immediate chemistry or shared beliefs alone are enough. Others, fearing commitment, drag out relationships for years, postponing clarity with no real direction. Both extremes are unwise. Marriage should not be rushed out of fear, nor delayed out of passivity. Instead, couples should date long enough to:

See each other in multiple seasons of life.

Experience both joy and hardship together.

Learn how they communicate under pressure.

Observe their patterns, habits, and convictions in action.

This does not mean dating indefinitely. It does not mean waiting 5+ years to make a decision. It means dating longer than a few months, with wisdom, boundaries, and intention.

The Lost Art of Self-Control

One of the biggest reasons young couples rush into marriage is because they fear falling into sexual sin. They worry that if they date too long, temptation will overcome them — so instead of practicing self-control, they take the shortcut of a quick marriage. But self-control is not built through avoidance—it is built through discipline.

If a couple cannot practice self-control in dating, they will not suddenly gain it in marriage. If they cannot wait for sex, they may struggle to wait in other areas — delayed gratification, patience, and endurance in trials. A marriage entered out of panic — rather than preparation — is not a strong foundation. Instead, courtship calls couples to walk in both patience and purity:

Date intentionally, but not recklessly.

Set boundaries, and honor them.

Prove that love is not just passion—but self-discipline.

Because love that lasts is not built in urgency—it is built in wisdom.

The Standard

Modern romance is a carousel of passion without permanence, love without legacy. But as believers, we were made for the world unseen not the world seen. Love is a decision made not in whimsy, but in wisdom. For love and marriage is designed by God (Genesis 2:24), defined by sacrifice (Ephesians 5:25), and built to endure (Mark 10:9).

Date, or should I say court, with discernment.

And in a culture of counterfeits, choose the real thing.

Bethany Miller is a fellow at Concerned Women for America and Managing Editor of CrossPolitic News. A South Asian American writer, her reporting delivers classy conservative commentary on the conversations of our time. You can find her on Instagram and X @bethanyymmiller