Lessons Learned from Pregnancy Loss

By Victoria DeLoach

The loss of a pregnancy is an earth-shattering moment. Your world stops and all the joyful anticipation screeches to a painful halt. Medical intervention is determined by when (in the pregnancy) the loss occurs. But regardless of gestational age, it can be crushing. As with any loss, moments of grief can catch you by surprise. Little reminders that renew a surge of longing for an infant that will never come. A groundswell of ache in your body every time you see an expectant mother in the mall or grocery store. Obviously this list is not exhaustive. And the complexities of individual grief and longing are so specific that no singular resource can address everything. But here are some small ways you can navigate the complexities of grief:

1. Clear your search history and cookies.

Even if you stop searching for specific items on Amazon or Facebook Marketplace, the algorithm continues to use your search history to market specific things to you. And if you’ve been busy saving nursery ideas on Pinterest, that can be a real kick in the teeth following a sudden loss. Clear your search history and cookies. This won’t completely mitigate the flood of images on your feed, but it will help.

2. Seek out support

Certain accounts on Instagram, Facebook groups, or in-person meetings focus exclusively on women who have experienced pregnancy loss. Which route is best for you truly depends on where you are in the healing process and how you personally deal with trauma. Some individuals do best by vocalizing their feelings. Others may prefer to write them out and share on social media. Still others process grief more intimately and privately through journaling. There is no wrong answer, as long as you get the help and support you need. The most important take-away from all of these groups is that you’re not alone. 

Mommies Enduring NeonatalDeath (MEND) is “Christian, non-profit organization that reaches out to families who have suffered the death of a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, or early
infant death.” However, if it’s been months or years of raw grief, it may be time to talk to a professional.

3. Focus on your health

This doesn’t necessarily mean to hit the gym or to start a running routine. Women’s bodies go through a proverbial flood of hormones during pregnancy. And those hormones plummet when a miscarriage occurs. Although there might be a tendency to hide away in a dark bedroom and eat cookies (and there are times for this), it’s best to focus on well-balanced protein-rich meals that are high in iron and vitamin.

It is critical to give your body the tools it needs to rebuild after loss.This means avoiding too much fast food and sugary drinks as they can hinder the healing process. Drink lots of water. Go for a walk. Get some sunshine to help replenish your dopamine levels. Try a new recipe you’ve been eying.

4. Realize that most people mean well

People say dumb, unthinking things. They say them at weddings and birthday parties and most often during loss. That doesn’t mean that they are bad people or are being intentionally malicious, although it can certainly feel that way sometimes. There are two solutions to a rude comment: ignore it or address it.

If the person making the comment is just a casual acquaintance, ignoring might be the best option. If this is a relationship with an individual you see regularly or if the comments continue to escalate, confront them with how their remarks make you feel. Most people (unless they are completely tone-deaf) will immediately apologize and course-correct the conversation. If they don’t do this, realize that you’re not responsible for their ignorance and insensitivity. You’re allowed to throttle back on relationships and people who don’t contribute in your season of life right now. Surround yourself with individuals who can sympathize with where you are.

5. Don’t self-medicate

This is not the time to numb the pain with alcohol (however tempting that might be.) Whether you have other children or this was your first, realize that you carried that child well. Nothing you did — or didn’t do — caused your miscarriage. That baby never knew cold or hunger or pain; they only knew love. And take comfort in knowing that when they opened their eyes, their first sight was Jesus.

Victoria DeLoach is a wife, boy mom, and forensic scientist. She loves cooking, a good mystery, and sitting on the porch during a thunderstorm! Find her on Instagram @victoriarose2011.